Living Loved

OK, that is the idea, to live believing that God loves me so much.... I have to admit, I am not perfect, I am a lousy slug, sometimes.  It is really hard to grasp how much God loves us.  It is beyond our comprehension that anyone would love me enough to die for me. Love me enough to care about what happens everyday. 

I want to love Him back, in my head, I do love Him, I want to know Him. I think it is a heart thing. I guess

my heart just has a hard time believing what my head thinks. 

I get sad and depressed some times. Usually I don't know why, it seems like I have always lived with a quiet, slightly sad feeling, I really want to enjoy life and all the blessings God has put in my life.  So, God, help me love and know you more. I want to be the person you created me to be.

Uninvited

Tonight I am starting a Bible study by Lysa Terkeurst. It is for the 'living loved when you feel less than, left out and lonely.'  Most of the time now, I don't worry about feeling left out so much, but I grew up feeling unloved and unwanted. My parents divorced, I went to live with an aunt and I felt abandoned by my mother.

In the church sometimes I feel like I don't have a part anymore.  We used to stay so busy (too busy) with

church activities but as we have aged, we just don't have the energy to help with things anymore.

I do think there is a "clique" of people that do everything. Getting into that group, you have to be involved in some area of ministry. We don't get any calls, visits or invites from this clique.

For me now, I love being at home, I have responsibility to my family, and it is ok that I don't go to church or get involved in church every night of the week.

My main focus now is loving God, getting to know Him.  I read a quote late from a Bible study on

Song of Songs.  "striving couldn't make Jesus love me more, through years of tender care and collisions with His Word, I am learning that security flows out of devoted love."  Yes!

Spiritual Journey
Recently I found a quote about hope that really spoke to my heart.  Steve has had Parkinson's Disease for almost 23 years and it feels pretty hopeless sometimes.  I get so tired. I'm not sure if I am emotionally, spiritually, or physically tired . More than likely it is all three ways.
I want to follow Jesus with my whole heart. Sometimes I feel alone and like a stepchild with Him. I know in my head that He loves me, that He will take care of me and that I am His child. Sometimes getting that into my heart is hard to do.  We have a hard time financially  Steve struggles physically and I struggle with patience. Sometimes I want to scream, leave or just give up.
OK, I know we can do this, we can make it.
Here is the quote.
"Hope does not disappoint us, because I've spent years bracing myself against disappointment, refusing to hope because I've been afraid of being let down. By others and by God. I haven't wanted to "get my hopes up" because I've been afraid of being disappointed. If you set your hopes low, you can be pleasantly surprised if anything good happens. I guess it is a way of hardening your heart. A way of resisting the love of God that has been generously poured out through the Holy Spirit. Poured out. Not measured out by teaspoons. Poured. An image of abundance.
What has suffering produced in me, it hasn't been endurance and character and hope in me. Instead suffering has produced resignation, which steadily and stealthily eroded my hope. Help me anchor my hope in you, Lord. Not in any particular outcome, but in you, in your love."